Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
