Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
