Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
