Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize