I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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