Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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