your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
