I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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