he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
