Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
