you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My life is pants optional.
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