Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
