my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
