I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
