I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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