I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
zippers are such a cool invention
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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