Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
