call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize