Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
