I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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