I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
