I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize