I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think i got beer on your cat.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
