Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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