I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
