plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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