I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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