I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize