i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
