I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
