He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
