Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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