I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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