By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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