Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
