left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
