My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
