Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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