Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
