Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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