i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize