Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
