My nipple is on Facebook.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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