did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
