I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
