I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
