its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
