I hate your face
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
