11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Randomize