I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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