I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I can text with my tongue
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
