my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
zippers are such a cool invention
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
