note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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