proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
