If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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