First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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