fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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