"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize