I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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